I truly believe the medication has enabled us to stay married. Pretty bold statement, isn’t it? Let me explain. The Hubby without medication has a mind that moves too fast. He gets great ideas, figures out how to execute them, and is down the path before a discussion is really had. Or, he will get an idea of a funny practical joke, do it, and then regret it because that part of his brain finally caught up with the rationalization of said plan and how it could be perceived.
So, how could this affect our relationship? It means not hearing about plans he has made until we have to act on them. These plans could include something relatively simple to an “oh, by the way, we’re cooking dinner tonight for 8 of our friends – and I’m making pasta”….and in this case, he is making pasta, from scratch. The relationship goes from navigating life hand in hand to being along for the ride. Most of our fights before medication was a result of these types of decisions. Most of them since are usually when his prescription has lapsed. It was a result of me deciding that I’ve had enough. When you have your time decided for you all of the time, it becomes extremely stressful.
A recent case in point, the rugby team and its possible collapse. If it does not see another season, I have no idea what the Hubby will do. I have learned from his blog that he may take up Cyclocross. I learned from several conversations I have overheard that he may join another team or do something different. So far, I’ve heard nothing of these other plans – these other plans that impact me as much as him. We have not had a conversation about it. I am not opposed to the Hubby following his interests, but these interests affect other people in his life. As I pointed out to him, I would like to be treated as I would treat him in this situation. In the end, I know this is happening as a result of the fact he needs his medication refilled. It’s been about a week since he last had it. And, parts of his brain are not working together as they usually do. Even thought I know these things, I find it isn’t easier to deal with the reality.
And, I know the Hubby hates this fact. I know he hates that his brain doesn’t work well with its parts. I know he hates hearing from me that he needs his medication. I know he loves his dreams he can only get when he’s off of them. But, when he isn’t on the medication, he doesn’t full process the impacts of his ideas or thoughts. He doesn’t think about consequences until it hits him along side of the head. Why? His mind is working too fast. While he may think he has thought it all through, he doesn’t. And, that leaves him scrambling to react to a situation he never meant to happen. He hurts people’s feelings that he never intended. He doesn’t plan things as they should. He gets worked up about things in a way that doesn’t make sense. Life overwhelms and stresses him out. Why? Because his brain doesn’t allow him the time to process what is going on so that he can rationalize how he wants to react to it.
I don’t mean to make the man out to be like Jekyll and Hyde because it isn’t that extreme. The Hubby is easier on himself – more controlled over himself – when he can think through things. Wacky and goofy doesn’t go away, and neither does Mr Spontaneous. He just doesn’t spend the time afterwards dealing with a pissed off wife. He can be goofy, but he doesn’t take it to the point where someone is upset by it. It’s like he gets dialed from a 10 down to an 8. Still loud, but not enough to harm your hearing.
So, that’s been our house for the past week. I know it will pass soon. I hope it is sooner rather than later. Either he will realize its time to get back on the medication, or I will explode. I’m hoping its the former because the latter is too messy. And, I hate going through it. I love the guy, so I hate something like this to get in the way of things.
For those of you who read my Hubby’s blog, you will already have heard his view on his anti-anxiety medicine. Today is a good day for me to share with you my views on it.